What if I were ...

If I were temporarily laid up with a broken neck; if I experienced cancer; if you knew about it would you come, willing to help where you can? Of course you would! I’ve seen it happen repeatedly. Having experienced both of those occurrences, I’ve even had a friend I hadn’t seen in ten years bring in a warm dish of food at mid-morning.

Hmm … I wonder. What if I were to suffer a debilitating mental illness like Autism, Bipolar Syndrome or Schizophrenia? If I were an Adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), would you still be there for me? I suspect not. “Mental health consumers” would tend to yawn in boredom if you said you would. Yet, people proclaim that caring attitude for the mentally ill.

I am a mental health volunteer, with a consumer friend; now for 17 years. (I'll use the old "John Doe" moniker to protect his identity.) He is disabled by Schizophrenia. At first, our friendship was formal through Compeer at our Mental Health Association (MHA). Compeer pairs volunteers with “consumers” as friends. Our role was to “be there” for them at least one hour weekly.

I emphasize “was” because we no longer have Compeer. Our MHA is closed too, due to various problems that plague volunteer efforts; finances, business, personalities. That doesn’t matter, though. My wife and I continued our friendship with John well beyond MHA. He’s quasi-family; not like he’s our son, although we see him more often than we see our own. He doesn’t sleep over, and he has friends “down the street” whom we would never know. What he says he appreciates most is having a place to go on special days, and we have him with us as we can at family occasions and holidays.

What matters here is that I really doubt that John would believe you are “there for him.” He knows too many societal stigmas. He knows you would likely be afraid? “Is Schizophrenia catching; or dangerous to my safety?” He knows there were far more consumer applicants than willing volunteers; a ratio of five-or-six-to-one at Compeer’s closure.

Oh, wait! I AM Adult ADD – sometimes over-achieving, often overbearing. I am “one of them” and don’t have to tell you about “their” sense of stigma. I cannot relate my syndrome without you doubting me, saying, “Don’t make excuses.” I can’t expect the same caring in ADD as I knew as a “walking-wounded” prostate cancer victim. What I know is that you may listen, but then my “condition” will become a roadblock to close friendship.

There have been few times when I could count on a friend; come-what-may. I’ve become so accustomed to a loner’s life that when someone seems to care I’m afraid of the relationship. I’m afraid that sooner or later even they will walk away.

So, I hold back; a largely-unknown, walking-wounded Adult ADD. I’ve been admonished enough that I need not guess. My consumer-and-family friends would also doubt your sincerity; come-what-may.